Before we begin with this month’s shambling mess of a column, I unfortunately have to punch in my timecard at the hypothetical confessional where I so often find myself (as an aside, if the preceding mixed metaphor was lost on you, o readers of the paperless generation, try to see if you can’t ascertain on your own what I meant; I’m a purveyor of half-hearted humor, not a periodic encyclopedia).

I’m sorry for the absence of a column in the edition previous. The college application process hit me like a bus (or perhaps a snowplow, to fit the milieu of the season), and that, coupled with the smattering of somnifacient sustenance that is Thanksgiving, kept me from putting my mental flotsam to print.

The good news for this edition: despite still being as busy as ever, I’ve bitten the bullet and put out a column anyway. Why, you may ask, though the answer is fairly obvious? Because it’s the holiday season, of course! Or is that the Holiday Season?

Has our desire to be politically correct in not mentioning any one holiday in particular made the former Christmas Season or Hanukkah Season into the Holiday Season, somehow promoting “Holiday” to a proper noun solely by the amalgamation of the calendric concurrences? More importantly, does anyone care? No. Moving on.

Yes, as I’ve stated in years past, I am a thorough Christmas enthusiast. I belong to that select group of people who will get into the spirit if they’re to listen to Christmas songs in June. I am that guy who turns on the holiday stations the day after Thanksgiving – or the week before, given the trend favored by our corporate masters to push Christmas-related everything earlier and earlier each year.

As far as the music is concerned, however, I tend now to turn more to my iPod, as that way I’ll be hearing more Bing Crosby than Madonna, or the unspeakable, ear-wrenching terror that is “The Christmas Shoes.”

I am that guy who gets out the small Christmas decorations and pine-scented hand soaps ASAP. I am that guy who records the holiday specials when they premiere on November 18 (just the good ones, mind you; none of those Lifetime sob-fests for me).
Finally, and perhaps most tellingly, I am that guy who goes caroling at every possible opportunity (fortunately, I’ve only run afoul of various local ordinances six times – or was it seven? I digress).

So, readers, this holiday Holiday season, celebrate whichever holiday you so desire, be merry with friends, family and food, and relish the fact that you were shorted a column last month – the worst is no doubt yet to come.

Preston Schlueter is a Staff Reporter for The Spartan Speaks.